"Complaints of a Cleaning Lady"

[sdragon.livejournal.com]

PG-13 for naughty humor and innuendo. Jon, Stephen, Ed, Samantha, Rob(?) (no, not all at once, you perverts!)

--------------------------------
November 5th, 2004

To:
Shamsky Leibowitz
Complaints Department
Comedy Central Human Resources


Dear Ms.(?) Leibowitz,

My name is Marta Cheznee, and I am a cleaning lady at The Daily Show's studio. I am writing to complain about the uncomfortable working environment that I have endured for years but have been too afraid to say anything about it for fear of reprisal. Please understand that I am a very open-minded person, but being forced to listen to these . . . outrageous and obscene conversations is simply too much and I must express my concerns over activities going on in my workplace.

Enclosed please find two sample transcripts of conversations overheard while I was cleaning at The Daily Show on separate occasions. I apologize for the crude words used; I myself blush having to write them, but it is for the Greater Good. And no, I did not observe what was going on; my eyes did not want to bear witness to the shame filling my ears, thank you very much.

God Bless,
Marta Cheznee


Transcript 1:

"Go on, Stephen, push it harder! Slap it like you mean it!"
"But it's so red and hard. I don't want to hurt--"
"You Girlie Man! Just do it. I put extra on just for you!"
"Okay . . ."
[slapping noise]
"Ow."
"Just like that."
"It hurts."
"I know it does, but it hurts so good, doesn't it?"


Transcript 2:

"Here I go!"
"Jon, I don't know if you can fit . . ."
"Don't worry, Stephen, I do this all the time."
[shuffling]
"Er, you still have some sticking out."
"Oh, thanks, could you push it in a little farther? . . . OW OW OW! Too far."
"How about that?"
"Ohhhh . . .yeah. Perfect. How does it look to you?"
"Great . . .I'm amazed you can fit."
"I'm talented."
"I'll say. You gonna just stay there?"
"You got a better idea?"
"Well . . ."

--------------------------------

November 30, 2004

To:
Shamsky Leibowitz
Complaints Department
Comedy Central Human Resources


Dear Mr.(?) Leibowitz,

Hello, this is Marta Cheznee again. I hope you had a good Thanksgiving; mine was utterly terrible! Every time I tried to sit down to eat, I kept hearing terrible things in my head, memories of all those utterly inappropriate things said at the studio while I worked. Maybe you did not receive my other letter, so please find enclosed some more transcripts. And, to prove that it's not just the same two doing it over and over again, I've included one with two other people. This moral degradation is widespread in your cast, and I urge you to consider this!

HotBothered,
Marta

P.S. I hope I didn't offend you by calling you "Ms." if you are indeed male; I tried to look it up, but could not find anyone who knew for sure. They always refer to you as "he" in one sentence, then "she" in another.

P.P.S. And no, I did not watch these conversations either. I have standards, Sir (or Ma'am).


Transcript 3:

"Aw, c'mon, Sam, can I please use your cooter? I need it!"
"No, Ed, I've had enough of you using my cooter for your needs! My cooter's all worn out."
"Please, Samantha, just one more time . . . I need it."
"No means No, Ed. You told me that yesterday and look what happened. It's still sore after how you handled it."
"I'm sorry. I promise I'll be gentle . . . just one more time. Pleeeease?"
"Oh don't make that face at me. Okay, fine. Just one more time, but this time I want you to watch what you're doing."


Transcript 4:

"C'mon, Stephen, shove it all in!"
"I can't take anymore . . . it's too much."
"I know you can do it . . . yeeeeaaah, that's my banana guzzler. All the way . . . "
[gulping noises]
"Oh my God, did I just . . ."
"Yeah. Yes you did, you wonderful fruit sucker you . . , you took it all in . . . uh oh."
"'Uh oh,' what?"
"The tape wasn't running. You're gonna have to do it again."
"Butbutbut--"
[shuffling]
"Here you go, all ready for you to work your magic again."
"I feel so used."

--------------------------------
December 7, 2004

To:
Executive in charge
Comedy Central Human Resources

To Whom it May Concern,

I have written twice now asking for some sort of recourse to be taken with my work environment, and I have received no response. You might as well stick a pit bull in that position for all the good he/she does! I've had enough! I quit! I can't take this debauchery any more. But, in case someone up there has some sort of sanity and decency, please see my final attached transcript, which I saved hoping I would never have to show you as I wanted it all for myself. These aren't the only ones either, and I will not hesitate to write out every juicy morsel lurid detail if anyone decides to bother me about this later on. I need to find a nice private place to get off move on to a less corrupting line of work, like cleaning Fox News' offices.

lustfully yoursmortified,
Marta

P.S. I suddenly have a craving for falafel.

Transcript 5:

"Okay Stephen, are you ready?"
[heavy breathing] "Yeah, Jon, I'm ready. It's still hot, right?"
"Oh yeah, it's dripping all over my hand. Ooh! See?"
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
"Er, uh, I just wanted to make sure you're okay with this--"
"Jon; I've been ready forever! Come on, we gotta do this while I'm still in the mood."
"Okay, here it comes . . ."
"Ow!"
"Sorry, bad aim."
"It's okay, here; let me guide you . . . You're holding it too tight! Relax, I'll be fine."

[a moment of silence, followed by two satisfied grunts]

"mmm . . ."
"Ohhhh yeaaaah. That's the stuff."
"You're dripping on me . . ."
"It's a great look for you, Colbert."
"Hey, there's some on you too. If you don't clean it off quick . . ."
"I got it! I'm not wasting any of this . . . mmm."
"Makes your tongue tingle, doesn't it?"
"So, you satisfied, or do we need another go?"
"You know I'm always up for more . . ."

fin



(inspired by zenified's "Busted")