Everybody's changing and I don't know why
Oct. 20th, 2008 06:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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thedailyshow_rpsTitle: Recurring Dreams {part 32: guilt and deceit}
Author: shoebox_addict
Pairing: Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Evie
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Graphic scene, mansex, swearing, angst, Paul
Author's Notes: Part thirty-two. Sigh. This one was a little like pulling teeth. I hope it gives you all a satisfactory mix of smut and angst. Enjoy! And thank you all soooo much for your comments and continued support. <33
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
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Sixteen./Seventeen./Eighteen./Nineteen./Twenty./
Twenty-one./Twenty-two./Twenty-three./Twenty-four./Twenty-five./
Twenty-six./Twenty-seven./Twenty-eight./Twenty-nine./Thirty(!)./Thirty-one./
"Recurring Dreams" { part 32: guilt and deceit}
We were so close to each other I felt like we were one body. I didn't know where his skin ended and mine began as I thrust inside him again and again. He moaned my name and I tangled my fingers into his thick, dark hair. He wasn't wearing his glasses. I felt his arousal, hard and throbbing, pressing against my stomach. I took him in my hand and moved up and down.
"God, Jon," he threw his head back in ecstasy at my touch.
"I love you," I breathed, panting and pressing my lips to his as I moved my hips.
Then, his eyes, which had been lazily drifting open and shut as I worked on him, snapped open. His face was the picture of satisfaction as I jerked him while he came. His hips bucked and I moved with him. As he relaxed, I felt myself come. I pulled out of him and lay down beside my love.
"I love you, Stephen," I said.
"I love you, Jon," he replied.
Silently, he turned and spooned me from behind. We lay together in perfect harmony, in perfect contentment and watched the sun rise outside the window.
When I woke up, it wasn't from terror, for once. I turned over to look at the clock and saw it was only four in the morning. A feeling of contentment washed over me as I remembered the dream. I lay on my back and looked up at the ceiling, replaying the moment in my mind. But then, disappointment grew in the pit of my stomach as I realized it wasn't real - it had only been a dream.
******
Thursday morning there was a storm brewing, metaphorically and literally. Jon and Stephen bundled up against the rain that blew into New York City that morning but they couldn't prepare for what else was coming their way.
On the way back home from taking the kids to school, Evie realized she had a voicemail. At the next red light, she retrieved it from her voicemail box and listened as she headed toward the house.
"Do you know what your husband does when he isn't at home?" said the voice in Evie's ear. She jumped. "Think about it."
Click. That's all there was. That's all the message said. Evie legs felt like jelly and a solid ball of dread was forming in the pit of her stomach. She turned off the road into a parking lot and just sat there, thinking, as the voicemail had told her to.
All of the suspicious thoughts she'd been having the past few days suddenly didn't seem too ridiculous. All of a sudden, she had another person backing her up in all of her suspicions. She opened up the voicemail and checked to see who it was that had called her. It was an unknown number in her phonebook but she thought she recognized it. Who could it be?
With shaking fingers, she called back the person who had left her the frightening voicemail.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Evie tapped the steering wheel with her fingers, waiting for the mystery caller to pick up.
"Your call has been re-routed to a voicemail box," said the polite, female voice on the other end of the line. "Please leave your message for--"
"Paul Dinello." Another voice interrupted the woman at the appropriate spot and Evie almost dropped her phone. Paul? What did he know?
Voicemail picked up and Evie took a deep breath. "Hi, Paul? This is Evelyn Colbert. Um, you gave me a call earlier about...something. D'you think you could call me back? We need to talk."
Evie hung up and held her head in her hands. When she'd left the house that morning, she'd had a loving husband and three wonderful kids. Now she had a three wonderful kids and a husband who may be having an affair.
She didn't want to believe it. She'd do anything to not believe it.
******
"Owfuck!" exclaimed Jon when I wrapped my arms around his middle. I drew back in alarm.
"What? What the hell's wrong?" I demanded.
Jon hissed in pain and shrugged off his jacket. "I fell the other day while playing with Nathan. Whacked my side right on the goddamn dresser."
"Ooh, Jon," I said, wincing as though I could feel his pain. "Are you all right?"
Jon pulled a face. "It wasn't all right last night, I'm scared to look."
"Here," I said, moving toward him to lift his shirt. "I'll be careful."
Jon held his breath as I slowly lifted the hem of his grey shirt to reveal a magnificent black and blue spot on his side.
"God, it's awful!" I said. "That must have hurt like hell."
"Thanks, I know, I was there," said Jon, his eyes shut as though in anticipation of pain. "Please, just leave it alone."
I dropped his shirt down around his middle again and put my hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't know."
"Should've said something," muttered Jon. "I should have known you'd rush me once we got up here."
"You should know that by now," I said, smirking and placing a kiss on his lips.
Jon nodded. "Tonight's the last dressing room opportunity for the week," he said. Just a statement. Just putting that information out there. I sighed.
"I know."
"Will you be there?" he asked hesitantly.
I smiled at him. "Yeah, I'll be there. I'm probably going to have to abstain from you for the whole weekend so let's make tonight count."
"Oh, we will," he said, leaning into me and running his fingers through my hair as our lips met. "Why do you have to abstain this weekend? Is that some Catholic holiday?"
I snorted. "No. It's just...I think we should cool it down a bit since Evie has her radar up lately. I don't want this to blow up in our faces, Jon. And I think it'd be less suspicious if I spent the weekend with my family."
"I understand," he said. I knew he did, but he didn't like it.
"Come on," I said. "Let's not think about that right now. Just keep thinking about tonight."
A slow smile grew on Jon's face and he hugged me tightly. I held him awkwardly around the neck, trying not to touch his bruise. He whispered in my ear, "I love you."
"I know," I whispered back. "Now we have to get back to work."
"Don't make me," he replied, still whispering.
"Come on," I said, in a warning whisper. "Go make fun of Sarah Palin."
Jon reluctantly withdrew from me with a deeply exasperated sigh. "Fi-ine. I'll see you tonight then."
"You bet," I said. He leaned up on his toes to kiss me one last time before leaving the office.
*****
I decided not to mention to Stephen that Tracey had confronted me at last. Besides, all was well. I'd dodged the bullet. It was a shaky technicality but I was going to ride it as long as I could. What he didn't know, couldn't hurt him.
And, I hated to think this, but if I told him about Tracey's accusations, it might put a damper on our evening. Stephen was a good man and the guilt would probably be too much for him if I told him about this latest development.
No, it was better that he didn't know. Not yet, anyway. I was dying to have him.
Only a few more hours.
******
At lunchtime, Paul still hadn't called back. Evie hadn't been able to get anything done all day. She wandered the house, fingering pieces of Stephen's clothing, looking at his Emmy, paging through his books. She suddenly missed him terribly. He was only at work but she missed him. Perhaps this was because she was worried that what Paul would tell her would take him away forever. She couldn't handle it if he was having an affair. She'd just break down completely.
But, and this thought kept playing in her head, she still loved Stephen. Loved him so much it hurt. She knew it was ridiculous and would be ridiculous to still love him if he was cheating. But she did. She did love him. And the perplexing part was that she knew he still loved her and the kids. He wasn't neglecting them at all. They still made love on a regular basis, Stephen was always playing with and talking to the kids.
Nothing seemed to be out of place. So why did she feel like something was?
*****
At last, the week was over. It had been a long, hard one. Steve would probably say, "that's what she said", if he were here. After the show wrapped up, I heaved a sigh of relief and made my way off to Jon's dressing room. At last. I followed everything he had said about our tender moments being just as important as our...rougher ones, but I was aching for him.
I pulled out my key and unlocked the door to Jon's dressing room. As I entered, I was greeted with a magnificent sight. Jon was lying sprawled on the couch in nothing but his boxers. My breath caught in my throat, I could see him clearly through the thin fabric of his underwear. Obviously, he was just as eager as I was.
"Wow," I said. "Feeling eager?"
Jon shrugged, smirking at me. "Thought I'd save you the trouble of all those belts."
I gave a breathy, anxious giggle and pulled off my jacket quickly. Jon stood up and started working on my belt for me as I undid my tie. As he pulled down my pants, he touched me - ever so slightly. I gasped at the proximity of his hand to my arousal and groaned as his hand did not linger there.
"God, Jon, I want you so bad."
Again, Jon smirked at me. "Patience."
"Damn you," I said, grinning. Now down on his knees, he started to pull down my boxers but I pulled him up to me by the shoulders. "No, I want you up here first."
I didn't give Jon time to respond with a witty remark. I grabbed him by the hair and pressed our lips together roughly. His tongue roamed my mouth and I moaned into him as he pressed up against me. I'd waited all day to feel his chest pressed up against my own. I craved this pressing feeling of being between Jon and a wall. I ran my hands along his bare back, carefully avoiding his bruise.
"Damn," breathed Jon as he broke away from me. "This was the longest afternoon I've ever had to go through."
"Tell me about it," I said. I turned my head slightly and he assaulted my neck with his lips. His lips teased and tickled as he sucked at the skin and I squirmed under his touch. "You never fail to reduce me to incoherency."
Jon looked up at me, his lips still on my neck and frowned. "Not incoherent enough." At these words, he took my earlobe into his mouth and sucked on it. I gave a low, deep moan and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Holy crap," I muttered.
"That's more like it," he murmured as his lips left my ear.
"C'mere," I said, and brought his lips to mine once more. I grazed his bottom lip with my teeth and it was his turn to moan.
Jon hooked his fingers in the waistband of my boxers and tugged them over my hips. I did the same for him and we rubbed against each other in earnest. I shut my eyes, savoring the feel of his hard flesh against mine. I felt Jon reach up and take my glasses off my face.
"You're so beautiful without your glasses," he whispered, rubbing harder and faster against me.
"Mmm," I moaned, unable to create sentences any longer. Then, without warning, Jon pulled away from me. My eyes snapped open and my fingers flexed, as though they wanted to pull him back to me. I looked down just in time to see Jon taking me inside his mouth. I let out a loud moan and grabbed his head. He gagged slightly and I muttered an apology as he licked up my shaft.
"Oh, Jon," I moaned. "Oh God, Jon."
Jon didn't falter once as he sucked lightly and teased me with his tongue. He grasped my balls and I slammed my hands against the wall behind me, longing for something to hold on to as he worked. I bit my lip and came as a low moan escaped my throat, my hips bucking toward him.
"That's what I've been waiting for," said Jon, caressing my face once he stood up again. "That look on your face."
I didn't reply, I couldn't reply. I sank down the wall to the floor, breathing heavily. Jon followed and leaned his head on my shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," I panted. "Oh, thank you."
"Just the first course," he said. I turned my head to look at him and he licked his lips. "And it was delicious."
Without another word, I grasped his face and pulled him in for a deep, passionate kiss. He moaned against my lips and I thought this was just his normal response until he pulled away.
"What's wrong?"
Jon hissed, his eyes shut in pain. "Damn bruise."
"Oh God, I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't be," he said, chuckling softly. "I'm a stupid old man who can't keep going 'cause of a fucking bruise."
"Shut the hell up," I whispered. "You are not. You're not any of those things."
"God, I love you," he said, capturing my lips with his again.
Jon pushed me down onto the floor and lay down carefully on top of me, being cautious of his bruise. He made to move away again but I held him to my lips with my hand on the back of his neck. When he pulled away for air, he rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily.
I smiled at him and ran my hand along his face, feeling the slight stubble that had risen there through his long, hard day. He leaned into my touch and I whispered, "I want you inside of me."
"You're sure?" he murmured.
"Yes, damn it," I growled, kissing him again.
"Then hang on," he said. He stood up and went over to his dressing table. I looked over at him questioningly and he held up a pack of condoms.
"Oh," I said.
He shrugged apologetically.
"Killing the spontaneity already, Stewart? How long have we been together? Three months?"
"Well, I just thought...I mean," he fumbled with his words as he fumbled with the package.
"I get it," I said. "I've been with Paul so you're worried."
Jon shrugged as he pulled on the condom. "Better safe than sorry."
"I understand," I said. He grabbed a tube of lubricant and knelt down beside me. I took his hand and pulled him back down on top of me. "Frankly I don't care, I just want you."
He grinned at me and snaked his hand between us to spread the lube on his arousal. I bit my lip and waited for him to finish. Once he was done, he propped himself up above me and looked down into my face. "Ready?"
"Please, Jon," I said. "Just go."
Jon stuck his fingers in carefully, tentatively. It had been a few weeks so he had to prepare me a little. I moaned as he added his third finger. Finally he pulled out, positioned himself and thrust inside. I grasped his back and groaned as he began to move in and out.
"Is that okay?" he asked, grunting.
I smiled, touched at the fact that he still checked to make sure I was comfortable. "Fine. Perfectly fine."
"Oh, God, Stephen," he moaned, panting as he thrust his hips.
I turned my head to kiss his temple as he moaned and sighed. "Yes. Yes, Jon."
At my words, he thrust in even further. I gasped and dug my nails into his back. Our heavy breath mingled as he lifted his head to look at me.
"I love you, Stephen," he breathed, leaning down to kiss me.
"Mmm, I love you," I murmured against his lips. "I love you, I love you."
Jon's eye snapped open and I could see their bright blueness hazed over with passion. His brows furrowed and then relaxed as I felt him come in a hot rush inside me. He shuddered against me and I rubbed his back gently as he pulled out.
"I love you, I love you," he muttered, shaking his head against my chest and panting as he came down.
"Oh, Jon," I sighed, patting his head as he panted, his breath ruffling my chest hair.
"Not since...Sunday," he breathed.
"I know, I know, Jon."
"That's been building all week, I'll tell you," he said, laughing softly.
"Same here, baby."
"Hey, that's my word," he said. "God, you know, it hurts so much...to not to able to touch you or hold your hand when I want to --"
"I know, Jon."
"But this makes up for it all," he finished. He propped himself up on shaky arms and gazed down at me. "You're so beautiful."
"So are you," I said, smiling and trailing my hands down his chest. I reached down and took his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers. Very softly I whispered, "Hold my hand now."
Jon sniffled a little against my chest and squeezed my hand tightly. "Thanks."
With my other hand, I hugged him around the middle, being careful not to touch his bruise. Together we rolled onto our sides so as to be more comfortable. We lay there, facing each other, and fell asleep. As I slipped into slumber, I felt that all was right with the world.
******
Paul still hadn't called back. It was seven thirty at night and Stephen still wasn't home. He hadn't called, he hadn't given any indication that he was on his way home. Evie wanted to call him but she was afraid of what she might find out. As the minutes ticked away, her anxiety grew. She'd let the kids go to their friends' houses for the evening even though it was a school night. When Stephen did finally get home, she didn't want them to be there.
For she had decided to just bite the bullet and confront him about the whole situation. If she didn't, she'd kill herself with worry and regret and always wonder if something was going on or had gone on before.
Where was he right now? Should she be worried about diseases? Why did he need to go to someone else when he had a loving wife and three beautiful children? A wife and children he still loved, to boot.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it. As she sat there in the living room, in front of their large picture window, she tried to think of other things. But her eyes remained locked on their driveway, waiting for Stephen's car to roll up.
*****
I drove home that night from Jon's office feeling complete and content. Before leaving, I took a shower in my office to clean off the scent of Jon and then ran up and down the halls a few times so I didn't seem too clean after a whole day's work. The reality of what we were doing hit me on my fourth lap down the hall. This was real, this was serious. Now I was taking serious measures to cover up what I'd just been doing. I knew I was lying all along but this hit home a little harder. For the first time, I truly felt like...an adulterer.
I tried to erase all the lovely thoughts and feelings Jon and I had experienced over the last hour with loud music. It worked, sort of. By the time I rolled into my subdivision, I felt ready to face my family. But the minute I pulled into our driveway, I knew something was amiss. The curtains were opened and I could see Evie sitting on the couch inside with her arms crossed. My pulse quickened - had something happened? Did she know something? I turned off the car and walked up to the door.
"Hi, honey," I said as cheerfully as I could muster.
"Hello, Stephen," she said, with a hint of coldness laced in her voice. I cleared my throat and shrugged off my jacket.
"What's new?" I said, smiling at her. She didn't return my smile.
"Oh, nothing," she said. "Look, Stephen, I want to talk to you about something."
"Okey doke." I took a seat next to her on the couch and made to put my arm around her. She moved away. "What's up, sweetie?"
"Stephen, what took you so long getting home?"
I gulped and tried not to show my fear. "I was looking over something for Allison. She had some last minute, um, guests for next week that I had to finalize."
"Oh, really?" said Evie. "Paul Dinello called me today."
I froze. I knew she was watching my every move so I tried not to react too much. When I spoke, my voice was a little squeaky. "Paul called? Why...why would Paul call you?"
"He just left me a voicemail asking me if I knew what you did when you aren't home. Why would he ask me something like that, Stephen? Hmm?"
Evie looked ready to kill me. Suddenly my tie felt too tight. I tried to remain as cool as possible. "I have no idea why...he would say something like that. Honestly. I don't know. He must have been...drunk or something. You know him, Paul's always been a little funny."
Evie narrowed her eyes at me as I spoke, spewing lies from my lips. "Where have you been, Stephen?"
"I told you, Allison was --"
"Not tonight, Stephen," shouted Evie. "For the past few months you've been coming home late almost every night. Please, just tell me what you've been up to."
I mouthed wordlessly, groping for something to hold on to. There was nothing. I was trapped. I had expected this day to come, but I hadn't expected it to come this soon.
"Various things!" I cried. "Sometimes it was work, sometimes I was going out for drinks with Jon, sometimes--"
"Out for drinks with Jon?" she shouted. She stood up from the couch and began to walk around the living room, hands on her hips. "What does 'out for drinks' mean, Stephen?"
I stared at her with my jaw on the floor. "It means we went to a bar and had a couple drinks and some laughs together. That's all it means, honey. Why should it mean anything else?"
"I don't know!" she said, curling her fingers into her hair like she wanted to rip it out. "All I know is that you seemed pretty damn chummy at the Emmys a few weeks ago."
"Chummy...? Honey...we're best friends," I said, standing up so we were on the same level.
Evie looked straight at me with tears forming in her eyes. "Stephen...are you fooling around with Jon?"
I know I gasped when she said it. It was an out of body experience, I was watching this entire encounter from up above.
"What? No!" I cried. "Sweetie, you're...you're jumping to conclusions."
"Just tell me," she said, staring at me with a stony face.
I sighed. I'd have to out-right lie, lie straight to her face. I steeled myself and said the words, "Evie, nothing is going on. I promise you. I'm...I'm not even gay! Why would you think that?"
"I don't know!" she said, turning and pacing around the room. "I just...something feels strange."
"Honey," I said. "Nothing's...nothing's going on."
Evie turned back to face me. Tears were streaming down her cheeks now. I bit my lip. "So...nothing was going on between you and Paul either?"
My eyes widened at her new accusation. "Wha--? I...no! What? Why would you even think that?"
"I don't know, Stephen, I just don't know," she said, rubbing her forehead in frustration. "All I know is that you're coming home late and now Paul is calling me out of the blue. Stephen...my world was turned upside down this afternoon. What do you expect?"
I gave a heavy sigh. My heart ached for her and I couldn't stand the expression on her face. "Evie, sweetie. Please don't cry."
I opened my arms and she came into them willingly. I hugged her as tightly and closely as I could, stroking her hair gently. As I heard her begin to sob against my chest, tears leaked from my own eyes. I felt like shit.
"Please believe me, sweetie," I whispered. "I don't understand - have I given you reason to believe that something is going on?"
She shook her head and bit her lip, obviously trying to hold back tears now. "Stephen...that's what makes me insane. We still...make love, you still love the kids - I don't understand where this feeling is coming from. I just feel like something is out of place, Stephen. And now there's this weird call from Paul...oh, I don't know."
Evie burst into tears and I wrapped her in a big hug. "Oh, honey. Honey, please don't cry. I'm not - there's nothing going on."
"Stephen? Really?" she looked up at me with tearful eyes. I gazed back at her and had to force myself to repeat the lie.
"Really."
"Well then, what did Paul mean? Why would he leave that message?"
"Evie...he was probably drunk or something," I said. She looked up at me and suddenly looked so small. I brought her head to my chest and stroked her hair.
"I love you, Stephen," she murmured into my chest. "Even when I thought you were fooling around, I loved you. I can't stop loving you, Stephen."
"Oh, Evie," I whispered, pressing a kiss to her head. "I love you too."
We sat there holding each other, Evie sobbing softly against my chest. I hugged her tightly and tried to forget what I'd been doing less than an hour ago. Something occurred to me. "Honey, where are the kids?"
Evie chuckled softly. "At friends' houses. We should probably get them home, it's a school night."
"Why'd you send them all to friends' houses?"
Evie hesitated, "I didn't want them to be here with us talking about this. I was just worried that...if something was going on..."
"I understand, honey," I said. I didn't blame her for expecting something to be going on. She had every reason to suspect but I couldn't tell her she was right. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her gently. When I pulled away, her eyes were overflowing. "Sweetie, please, don't cry."
"I just couldn't stand the thought of losing you, Stephen," she choked. "I just...I love you so much."
"Oh, sweetie," I murmured, hugging her close again.
We sat there for a few more minutes and then called around to get Maddie, Peter, and John back home. Luckily they didn't suspect a thing, not even Maddie. They were just excited to have been at friends' houses on a school night. Evie and I sent them to bed and then we went to bed ourselves.
So, I'd survived. We'd come to that hurdle that I'd been sprinting toward for the past few months and I cleared it. I should feel relieved, I should feel glad that she hadn't figured it out.
So why did I feel like shit?
******
She had done it. She'd confronted him and he'd denied it to the end. She knew he would. She felt silly and stupid for ever doubting his fidelity.
He had explanations, he had excuses, and they all checked out. It all made perfect sense. But still, she kept checking her cell phone to see if Paul had called her back. Even if he had just been drunk when he called her, Evie wanted to know what he'd wanted to tell her.
She believed him. He was her husband and she knew he was a good man. But there was a small voice in the back of her head that kept reminding her about all she'd seen between Stephen and Jon.
And when Stephen told her that Saturday afternoon that he was going to lunch with Jon, she still felt an unpleasant prickle up her spine. A woman's intuition.
Perhaps this wasn't over yet.
******
"Hello?"
"You'd better not call my wife again."
"What the fuck is going on?" said Paul, sounding very confused. "Why the hell are you even calling me, I thought you weren't talking to me?"
"Shut up," I said, pressing down harder on the gas pedal. "You know very well what I'm talking about. You called Evie and left her some dumbass message."
"Ohhh, right," he said. "That message. What about it?"
"Do not fucking call her back, Paul. If you do, I swear to God -- "
"Whaddya mean call her back?"
"She left you a voicemail saying she wants to talk to you. Just ignore it. We worked things out and you don't need to call her. You'd better not call her."
"Or what? You'll sic little Jonny Stew on me?"
"You shut up about him," I growled, stomping on the brake as I noticed the light up ahead was red. "Just leave me alone and leave my wife alone."
"Okay, I will," he said. I knew it was too good to be true. "On one condition."
"What?"
"You meet me for lunch one day and we talk this through."
"Paul, there's nothing to talk through."
"Yes, there is," he said. "I don't wanna end this friendship because of some stupid mistakes. If we just...talk about it, maybe we can salvage our relationship."
I sighed. I'd said I wanted Paul out of my life completely but was that really what I wanted? It seems I had no choice, here he was blackmailing me again. So long as there was no sex involved, I supposed it could be done.
"Very well," I said, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Sometime this week, okay?"
"Sounds good. See you then."
"See you, bye." I hung up from my call with Paul and dialed Jon directly after.
"Hello?" I smiled to myself. Hadn't heard his voice since he was moaning my name the other night.
"Hey, Jon," I said. "Um...I think we need to meet for lunch today."
"It's Saturday, Stephen." he said. "I thought you said you had to 'abstain from me' this weekend."
"I lied," I said. "We really need to talk."
"Oh." Jon sounded suddenly worried. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that. We just...need to talk."
"Okay, um, I'll meet you at the cafe?"
"Sounds great."
I switched off my phone and devoted my full attention to the road. I didn't want to get into an accident before talking with Jon. I'd lay awake all Thursday night thinking things over, torturing myself with loopholes and scenarios where Evie would find out how much I had lied to her. Friday night we made love and I'd woken up with an upset stomach yet again.
I was in the clear. Evie had believed my lies and everything seemed to be all right. But I felt sick with guilt. Now, not only had I lied to her about all those times I'd been with Jon, I'd completely lied to her about anything going on. Tomorrow I'd have to sit next to her in church and face God. I couldn't do that, not again. For weeks now, I'd felt sick to my stomach before going to church. I knew it was the guilt eating away at me.
Sure, I could have taken the easy way out and just waited for Paul to return her call and spill the beans. But I didn't want her to hear it from that swine. That would just make it sting even more. I wanted to tell her myself, as though that would make up for all the deceit.
Soon I was in the city and making my way toward the cafe that was quickly becoming 'our' cafe. I saw Jon sitting inside, sipping a cup of coffee.
"Hey!" he said, looking up and grinning as I approached the table.
"Hi," I said. I pulled out the chair opposite him and sat down. "How are you?"
"Fine," he said, shrugging. "Stephen, is something wrong?"
I nodded. There was no point in denying or hiding it, Jon knew when I wasn't feeling well. "My...my stomach hasn't been feeling that great."
"Oh, Stephen." Jon made to take my hand in his but I pulled it away. Not here, not out in public. Jon winced and looked down into his coffee. "What did you want to talk about?"
"Jon," I spoke softly, glancing around me. Suddenly I felt very exposed, very paranoid. "Jon, I have to tell Evie."
"What?" he asked, with wide eyes.
I sighed. "I know, this is really hard, Jon. Please don't make it harder. I think I just have to confess to her."
Jon put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "What...what brought this on, Stephen?"
"Evie confronted me when I got home Thursday night," I explained. "She wanted to know what had taken me so long getting home and then she asked if...if we were fooling around."
"Damn," breathed Jon. He chuckled bitterly to himself. "The universe is one helluva conspirator."
"What do you mean? Jon?"
"Tracey confronted me the other night too."
"Shit." I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes wearily. "You...you denied it, obviously. Did she believe you?"
"Yeah," said Jon. "She thought it was another woman though. Obviously we're not too obvious about this, then, if she didn't immediately suspect us."
"True," I said. "Well I have to tell her. The guilt is really killing me now. I've been up with an upset stomach two nights in a row and we have...church tomorrow morning. I can't do that Jon, I can't."
I rested my head on my hand as a wave of nausea fell over me. Jon bumped my knee with his gently under the table. When I looked up I could see the pain in his eyes. He wanted so badly to hold my hand through this. But the cafe was packed that afternoon. We couldn't.
"Stephen," he said in a soft voice. "I don't think you should."
"What?"
"We're in the clear. And if you tell her now, right after she asked you about it...I don't know. I hate this, Stephen."
I sighed. "Jon, I hate it too. But we chose this. Every time I came to your dressing room, we chose this. We could have said no, we could have ignored the urges."
"I couldn't have," he said, staring up at me with tears in his eyes. "I love you so much, Stephen. I can't just ignore that. I can't."
"Jon," I muttered, trying not to cry. "I love you too. But...what we're doing is wrong."
"I know, and I chose it anyway."
"I have to tell her, Jon. Otherwise this will eat away at me and things will never be the same."
Jon ran a hand through his hair wearily. "Do what you feel is right, Stephen. I'll be with you all the way."
"Thank you," I said, wiping my eyes. I locked my foot around his calf underneath the table and he nodded at me. He understood I wanted to hold his hand just as badly as he wanted to hold mine.
I left the cafe not knowing if we'd be able to see each other again. I didn't know what would happen once I told Evie, I just knew that I had to tell the truth. I had to be honest with my wife. I wanted to ask Jon back to my office so we could have one last moment together, but that would just add another lie to the mound we'd created.
The future was suddenly so uncertain and frightening. I cried the whole way home.
******
I was standing in that field again. Only this time it was raining. The sky was a dark, angry grey and I was getting soaking wet. A cold, unforgiving wind blew through the field, ruffling the long grass and sending a chill through me. I looked around.
Standing to the right of me was Evie. She was crying, or maybe those were raindrops on her cheeks. She just stood there, shaking her head at me. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment on her face so I turned away.
To my left stood Jon. He had his hands in his pockets and his eyes to the ground. I heard him sobbing softly. I tried to call his name but couldn't speak. When he looked up at me, he mouthed the words, "I love you."
I turned away again. Standing behind me was Paul. He threw his head back and let out loud guffaws of laughter at the look of dismay on my face. He laughed and laughed right at me. I tried to charge him, to wipe that silly smirk off his face but something was holding me back.
I turned once more. Standing straight in front of me was the most enormous brown grizzly I'd ever seen. It was standing on its hind legs and its saliva ridden maw was open in a loud growl that shook the grass of the field and made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. There was nowhere for me to run. As the grizzly closed in on me, so did Jon and Paul and Evie. I was trapped, I was cornered and my legs longed to run and keep on running until I couldn't see any of them anymore.
The grizzly pounced and I shot straight up in bed, just before I was to witness my own demise. I fell back against the pillow, my chest heaving as I tried to calm myself down. The digital clock on my nightstand said it was eight o'clock. I turned my head and noticed the bed was empty besides me. Again I shot up in bed and looked around the room.
Where was Evie? Had she left me? No, that was crazy talk. But why wasn't she in bed this early on a Sunday morning?
I threw the covers off my legs and left the bedroom. No one was in the living room. The house was eerily quiet. Was this another nightmare? Had they all packed up and left me? I hurried down the stairs and into the kitchen. I was so glad to see Maddie sitting there at the table that I gave her a huge hug.
"Good morning, dad," she said, giving me a strange look.
"Good morning, honey," I said. "Where's mom?"
"I don't know," she said. I noticed that her fingernails were pretty bitten up.
"What do you mean you don't know?" I said, sitting down next to her and trying to remain calm.
Maddie took a deep breath. "She left to get us donuts about an hour ago. I don't know why she isn't home yet."
Just as Maddie began to cry and I wrapped her in a hug, the phone rang. "Let me get that, honey, maybe it's mom."
Maddie reluctantly let go of me and I leapt up to reach the phone. "Hello?"
"Stephen, it's me."
"Evie! Where are you?"
"I was in a car accident."
"What?" My mind reeled at her words. Was she hurt? Was she in the hospital? At least she was calling, that meant she was all right. "Are you okay? What happened?"
"Don't panic," she said. She was trying to sound calm but I could tell her voice was shaky. "It was nothing big. I'm fine but the car is totaled."
I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned up against the counter. "Thank God you're all right. Sweetie, I don't care about the car. What happened?"
"I was going through an intersection and some idiot blew the red light. He ran right into me."
At these words, Evie began to cry. I wished I was there so I could give her a hug. "Honey, sweetie, please don't cry. You're okay, that's all that matters."
"It was so scary," she sobbed.
"I know, I know, sweetie. You're sure you aren't hurt?"
"An ambulance is coming and they have to check me out but I don't think I'm hurt."
"Thank God," I breathed.
"Stephen, go ahead and take the kids to church without me. I won't be home for a while if they have to check me out."
"No! No, sweetie. We'll wait for you. Can we come over there?"
"Um, I guess so. I'm at the corner of 5th and Parker."
"Okay, okay," I said. "Maddie can stay with Peter and John, I'll come over there."
"Thank you, Stephen."
"Honey, please. Don't thank me," I said. As I said the words, I couldn't help but be reminded of what Jon had said about not having to be thanked when you loved the person. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Okay, see you then."
"Just stay put and do what they tell you to."
"I will," said Evie. "I love you."
"I love you too, Evie."
As soon as I hung up, I was confronted by a fiercely curious Maddie. "What happened? What's going on?"
"Mom was in a car accident," I said. Maddie clapped her hand over her mouth in surprise. "But she's fine and nothing's wrong. Can you stay with your brothers while I go and pick her up?"
Maddie nodded. "Of course."
"That's my girl," I said, kissing her hair.
I hurried back upstairs to get shaved and showered and dressed. I'd never gotten ready so quickly. As I stood under the stream of the shower, furiously scrubbing my hair, horrible thoughts ran through my head. What if something had happened to her? One small donut run and the kids wouldn't have a mother. What if something had happened to her and I'd never told her the truth?
Now I knew for sure that I had to come clean. I couldn't live with myself if something happened and she never knew.
Author: shoebox_addict
Pairing: Jon/Stephen, Stephen/Evie
Rating: NC-17
Warnings: Graphic scene, mansex, swearing, angst, Paul
Author's Notes: Part thirty-two. Sigh. This one was a little like pulling teeth. I hope it gives you all a satisfactory mix of smut and angst. Enjoy! And thank you all soooo much for your comments and continued support. <33
Disclaimer: Any similarity between the fictional version of the person portrayed here and the actual persons is purely coincidental. This is a work of fiction. This is not an attempt to defame the character of said person on the basis of libel, as the work is FICTIONAL (and NOT an intently false statement created with the express purpose of misleading others about the actual character of said person).
Any mention of 'The Daily Show', 'The Colbert Report', 'Viacom', any associated entities, or any copyrighted material pertaining therein is reasonably protected by the Fair Use Rule of the United States Copyright Act of 1976 and is not intended to infringe upon any copyrighted material.
One./Two./Three./Four./Five./Six./Seven./Eight./Nine./ Ten./
Eleven./Twelve./Thirteen./Fourteen./Fifteen./
Sixteen./Seventeen./Eighteen./Nineteen./Twenty./
Twenty-one./Twenty-two./Twenty-three./Twenty-four./Twenty-five./
Twenty-six./Twenty-seven./Twenty-eight./Twenty-nine./Thirty(!)./Thirty-one./
"Recurring Dreams" { part 32: guilt and deceit}
We were so close to each other I felt like we were one body. I didn't know where his skin ended and mine began as I thrust inside him again and again. He moaned my name and I tangled my fingers into his thick, dark hair. He wasn't wearing his glasses. I felt his arousal, hard and throbbing, pressing against my stomach. I took him in my hand and moved up and down.
"God, Jon," he threw his head back in ecstasy at my touch.
"I love you," I breathed, panting and pressing my lips to his as I moved my hips.
Then, his eyes, which had been lazily drifting open and shut as I worked on him, snapped open. His face was the picture of satisfaction as I jerked him while he came. His hips bucked and I moved with him. As he relaxed, I felt myself come. I pulled out of him and lay down beside my love.
"I love you, Stephen," I said.
"I love you, Jon," he replied.
Silently, he turned and spooned me from behind. We lay together in perfect harmony, in perfect contentment and watched the sun rise outside the window.
When I woke up, it wasn't from terror, for once. I turned over to look at the clock and saw it was only four in the morning. A feeling of contentment washed over me as I remembered the dream. I lay on my back and looked up at the ceiling, replaying the moment in my mind. But then, disappointment grew in the pit of my stomach as I realized it wasn't real - it had only been a dream.
Thursday morning there was a storm brewing, metaphorically and literally. Jon and Stephen bundled up against the rain that blew into New York City that morning but they couldn't prepare for what else was coming their way.
On the way back home from taking the kids to school, Evie realized she had a voicemail. At the next red light, she retrieved it from her voicemail box and listened as she headed toward the house.
"Do you know what your husband does when he isn't at home?" said the voice in Evie's ear. She jumped. "Think about it."
Click. That's all there was. That's all the message said. Evie legs felt like jelly and a solid ball of dread was forming in the pit of her stomach. She turned off the road into a parking lot and just sat there, thinking, as the voicemail had told her to.
All of the suspicious thoughts she'd been having the past few days suddenly didn't seem too ridiculous. All of a sudden, she had another person backing her up in all of her suspicions. She opened up the voicemail and checked to see who it was that had called her. It was an unknown number in her phonebook but she thought she recognized it. Who could it be?
With shaking fingers, she called back the person who had left her the frightening voicemail.
Ring. Ring. Ring. Evie tapped the steering wheel with her fingers, waiting for the mystery caller to pick up.
"Your call has been re-routed to a voicemail box," said the polite, female voice on the other end of the line. "Please leave your message for--"
"Paul Dinello." Another voice interrupted the woman at the appropriate spot and Evie almost dropped her phone. Paul? What did he know?
Voicemail picked up and Evie took a deep breath. "Hi, Paul? This is Evelyn Colbert. Um, you gave me a call earlier about...something. D'you think you could call me back? We need to talk."
Evie hung up and held her head in her hands. When she'd left the house that morning, she'd had a loving husband and three wonderful kids. Now she had a three wonderful kids and a husband who may be having an affair.
She didn't want to believe it. She'd do anything to not believe it.
"Owfuck!" exclaimed Jon when I wrapped my arms around his middle. I drew back in alarm.
"What? What the hell's wrong?" I demanded.
Jon hissed in pain and shrugged off his jacket. "I fell the other day while playing with Nathan. Whacked my side right on the goddamn dresser."
"Ooh, Jon," I said, wincing as though I could feel his pain. "Are you all right?"
Jon pulled a face. "It wasn't all right last night, I'm scared to look."
"Here," I said, moving toward him to lift his shirt. "I'll be careful."
Jon held his breath as I slowly lifted the hem of his grey shirt to reveal a magnificent black and blue spot on his side.
"God, it's awful!" I said. "That must have hurt like hell."
"Thanks, I know, I was there," said Jon, his eyes shut as though in anticipation of pain. "Please, just leave it alone."
I dropped his shirt down around his middle again and put my hands on his shoulders. "I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't know."
"Should've said something," muttered Jon. "I should have known you'd rush me once we got up here."
"You should know that by now," I said, smirking and placing a kiss on his lips.
Jon nodded. "Tonight's the last dressing room opportunity for the week," he said. Just a statement. Just putting that information out there. I sighed.
"I know."
"Will you be there?" he asked hesitantly.
I smiled at him. "Yeah, I'll be there. I'm probably going to have to abstain from you for the whole weekend so let's make tonight count."
"Oh, we will," he said, leaning into me and running his fingers through my hair as our lips met. "Why do you have to abstain this weekend? Is that some Catholic holiday?"
I snorted. "No. It's just...I think we should cool it down a bit since Evie has her radar up lately. I don't want this to blow up in our faces, Jon. And I think it'd be less suspicious if I spent the weekend with my family."
"I understand," he said. I knew he did, but he didn't like it.
"Come on," I said. "Let's not think about that right now. Just keep thinking about tonight."
A slow smile grew on Jon's face and he hugged me tightly. I held him awkwardly around the neck, trying not to touch his bruise. He whispered in my ear, "I love you."
"I know," I whispered back. "Now we have to get back to work."
"Don't make me," he replied, still whispering.
"Come on," I said, in a warning whisper. "Go make fun of Sarah Palin."
Jon reluctantly withdrew from me with a deeply exasperated sigh. "Fi-ine. I'll see you tonight then."
"You bet," I said. He leaned up on his toes to kiss me one last time before leaving the office.
I decided not to mention to Stephen that Tracey had confronted me at last. Besides, all was well. I'd dodged the bullet. It was a shaky technicality but I was going to ride it as long as I could. What he didn't know, couldn't hurt him.
And, I hated to think this, but if I told him about Tracey's accusations, it might put a damper on our evening. Stephen was a good man and the guilt would probably be too much for him if I told him about this latest development.
No, it was better that he didn't know. Not yet, anyway. I was dying to have him.
Only a few more hours.
At lunchtime, Paul still hadn't called back. Evie hadn't been able to get anything done all day. She wandered the house, fingering pieces of Stephen's clothing, looking at his Emmy, paging through his books. She suddenly missed him terribly. He was only at work but she missed him. Perhaps this was because she was worried that what Paul would tell her would take him away forever. She couldn't handle it if he was having an affair. She'd just break down completely.
But, and this thought kept playing in her head, she still loved Stephen. Loved him so much it hurt. She knew it was ridiculous and would be ridiculous to still love him if he was cheating. But she did. She did love him. And the perplexing part was that she knew he still loved her and the kids. He wasn't neglecting them at all. They still made love on a regular basis, Stephen was always playing with and talking to the kids.
Nothing seemed to be out of place. So why did she feel like something was?
At last, the week was over. It had been a long, hard one. Steve would probably say, "that's what she said", if he were here. After the show wrapped up, I heaved a sigh of relief and made my way off to Jon's dressing room. At last. I followed everything he had said about our tender moments being just as important as our...rougher ones, but I was aching for him.
I pulled out my key and unlocked the door to Jon's dressing room. As I entered, I was greeted with a magnificent sight. Jon was lying sprawled on the couch in nothing but his boxers. My breath caught in my throat, I could see him clearly through the thin fabric of his underwear. Obviously, he was just as eager as I was.
"Wow," I said. "Feeling eager?"
Jon shrugged, smirking at me. "Thought I'd save you the trouble of all those belts."
I gave a breathy, anxious giggle and pulled off my jacket quickly. Jon stood up and started working on my belt for me as I undid my tie. As he pulled down my pants, he touched me - ever so slightly. I gasped at the proximity of his hand to my arousal and groaned as his hand did not linger there.
"God, Jon, I want you so bad."
Again, Jon smirked at me. "Patience."
"Damn you," I said, grinning. Now down on his knees, he started to pull down my boxers but I pulled him up to me by the shoulders. "No, I want you up here first."
I didn't give Jon time to respond with a witty remark. I grabbed him by the hair and pressed our lips together roughly. His tongue roamed my mouth and I moaned into him as he pressed up against me. I'd waited all day to feel his chest pressed up against my own. I craved this pressing feeling of being between Jon and a wall. I ran my hands along his bare back, carefully avoiding his bruise.
"Damn," breathed Jon as he broke away from me. "This was the longest afternoon I've ever had to go through."
"Tell me about it," I said. I turned my head slightly and he assaulted my neck with his lips. His lips teased and tickled as he sucked at the skin and I squirmed under his touch. "You never fail to reduce me to incoherency."
Jon looked up at me, his lips still on my neck and frowned. "Not incoherent enough." At these words, he took my earlobe into his mouth and sucked on it. I gave a low, deep moan and ran my fingers through his hair.
"Holy crap," I muttered.
"That's more like it," he murmured as his lips left my ear.
"C'mere," I said, and brought his lips to mine once more. I grazed his bottom lip with my teeth and it was his turn to moan.
Jon hooked his fingers in the waistband of my boxers and tugged them over my hips. I did the same for him and we rubbed against each other in earnest. I shut my eyes, savoring the feel of his hard flesh against mine. I felt Jon reach up and take my glasses off my face.
"You're so beautiful without your glasses," he whispered, rubbing harder and faster against me.
"Mmm," I moaned, unable to create sentences any longer. Then, without warning, Jon pulled away from me. My eyes snapped open and my fingers flexed, as though they wanted to pull him back to me. I looked down just in time to see Jon taking me inside his mouth. I let out a loud moan and grabbed his head. He gagged slightly and I muttered an apology as he licked up my shaft.
"Oh, Jon," I moaned. "Oh God, Jon."
Jon didn't falter once as he sucked lightly and teased me with his tongue. He grasped my balls and I slammed my hands against the wall behind me, longing for something to hold on to as he worked. I bit my lip and came as a low moan escaped my throat, my hips bucking toward him.
"That's what I've been waiting for," said Jon, caressing my face once he stood up again. "That look on your face."
I didn't reply, I couldn't reply. I sank down the wall to the floor, breathing heavily. Jon followed and leaned his head on my shoulder. "You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah," I panted. "Oh, thank you."
"Just the first course," he said. I turned my head to look at him and he licked his lips. "And it was delicious."
Without another word, I grasped his face and pulled him in for a deep, passionate kiss. He moaned against my lips and I thought this was just his normal response until he pulled away.
"What's wrong?"
Jon hissed, his eyes shut in pain. "Damn bruise."
"Oh God, I'm sorry," I said.
"Don't be," he said, chuckling softly. "I'm a stupid old man who can't keep going 'cause of a fucking bruise."
"Shut the hell up," I whispered. "You are not. You're not any of those things."
"God, I love you," he said, capturing my lips with his again.
Jon pushed me down onto the floor and lay down carefully on top of me, being cautious of his bruise. He made to move away again but I held him to my lips with my hand on the back of his neck. When he pulled away for air, he rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily.
I smiled at him and ran my hand along his face, feeling the slight stubble that had risen there through his long, hard day. He leaned into my touch and I whispered, "I want you inside of me."
"You're sure?" he murmured.
"Yes, damn it," I growled, kissing him again.
"Then hang on," he said. He stood up and went over to his dressing table. I looked over at him questioningly and he held up a pack of condoms.
"Oh," I said.
He shrugged apologetically.
"Killing the spontaneity already, Stewart? How long have we been together? Three months?"
"Well, I just thought...I mean," he fumbled with his words as he fumbled with the package.
"I get it," I said. "I've been with Paul so you're worried."
Jon shrugged as he pulled on the condom. "Better safe than sorry."
"I understand," I said. He grabbed a tube of lubricant and knelt down beside me. I took his hand and pulled him back down on top of me. "Frankly I don't care, I just want you."
He grinned at me and snaked his hand between us to spread the lube on his arousal. I bit my lip and waited for him to finish. Once he was done, he propped himself up above me and looked down into my face. "Ready?"
"Please, Jon," I said. "Just go."
Jon stuck his fingers in carefully, tentatively. It had been a few weeks so he had to prepare me a little. I moaned as he added his third finger. Finally he pulled out, positioned himself and thrust inside. I grasped his back and groaned as he began to move in and out.
"Is that okay?" he asked, grunting.
I smiled, touched at the fact that he still checked to make sure I was comfortable. "Fine. Perfectly fine."
"Oh, God, Stephen," he moaned, panting as he thrust his hips.
I turned my head to kiss his temple as he moaned and sighed. "Yes. Yes, Jon."
At my words, he thrust in even further. I gasped and dug my nails into his back. Our heavy breath mingled as he lifted his head to look at me.
"I love you, Stephen," he breathed, leaning down to kiss me.
"Mmm, I love you," I murmured against his lips. "I love you, I love you."
Jon's eye snapped open and I could see their bright blueness hazed over with passion. His brows furrowed and then relaxed as I felt him come in a hot rush inside me. He shuddered against me and I rubbed his back gently as he pulled out.
"I love you, I love you," he muttered, shaking his head against my chest and panting as he came down.
"Oh, Jon," I sighed, patting his head as he panted, his breath ruffling my chest hair.
"Not since...Sunday," he breathed.
"I know, I know, Jon."
"That's been building all week, I'll tell you," he said, laughing softly.
"Same here, baby."
"Hey, that's my word," he said. "God, you know, it hurts so much...to not to able to touch you or hold your hand when I want to --"
"I know, Jon."
"But this makes up for it all," he finished. He propped himself up on shaky arms and gazed down at me. "You're so beautiful."
"So are you," I said, smiling and trailing my hands down his chest. I reached down and took his hand in mine, intertwining our fingers. Very softly I whispered, "Hold my hand now."
Jon sniffled a little against my chest and squeezed my hand tightly. "Thanks."
With my other hand, I hugged him around the middle, being careful not to touch his bruise. Together we rolled onto our sides so as to be more comfortable. We lay there, facing each other, and fell asleep. As I slipped into slumber, I felt that all was right with the world.
Paul still hadn't called back. It was seven thirty at night and Stephen still wasn't home. He hadn't called, he hadn't given any indication that he was on his way home. Evie wanted to call him but she was afraid of what she might find out. As the minutes ticked away, her anxiety grew. She'd let the kids go to their friends' houses for the evening even though it was a school night. When Stephen did finally get home, she didn't want them to be there.
For she had decided to just bite the bullet and confront him about the whole situation. If she didn't, she'd kill herself with worry and regret and always wonder if something was going on or had gone on before.
Where was he right now? Should she be worried about diseases? Why did he need to go to someone else when he had a loving wife and three beautiful children? A wife and children he still loved, to boot.
She couldn't wrap her mind around it. As she sat there in the living room, in front of their large picture window, she tried to think of other things. But her eyes remained locked on their driveway, waiting for Stephen's car to roll up.
I drove home that night from Jon's office feeling complete and content. Before leaving, I took a shower in my office to clean off the scent of Jon and then ran up and down the halls a few times so I didn't seem too clean after a whole day's work. The reality of what we were doing hit me on my fourth lap down the hall. This was real, this was serious. Now I was taking serious measures to cover up what I'd just been doing. I knew I was lying all along but this hit home a little harder. For the first time, I truly felt like...an adulterer.
I tried to erase all the lovely thoughts and feelings Jon and I had experienced over the last hour with loud music. It worked, sort of. By the time I rolled into my subdivision, I felt ready to face my family. But the minute I pulled into our driveway, I knew something was amiss. The curtains were opened and I could see Evie sitting on the couch inside with her arms crossed. My pulse quickened - had something happened? Did she know something? I turned off the car and walked up to the door.
"Hi, honey," I said as cheerfully as I could muster.
"Hello, Stephen," she said, with a hint of coldness laced in her voice. I cleared my throat and shrugged off my jacket.
"What's new?" I said, smiling at her. She didn't return my smile.
"Oh, nothing," she said. "Look, Stephen, I want to talk to you about something."
"Okey doke." I took a seat next to her on the couch and made to put my arm around her. She moved away. "What's up, sweetie?"
"Stephen, what took you so long getting home?"
I gulped and tried not to show my fear. "I was looking over something for Allison. She had some last minute, um, guests for next week that I had to finalize."
"Oh, really?" said Evie. "Paul Dinello called me today."
I froze. I knew she was watching my every move so I tried not to react too much. When I spoke, my voice was a little squeaky. "Paul called? Why...why would Paul call you?"
"He just left me a voicemail asking me if I knew what you did when you aren't home. Why would he ask me something like that, Stephen? Hmm?"
Evie looked ready to kill me. Suddenly my tie felt too tight. I tried to remain as cool as possible. "I have no idea why...he would say something like that. Honestly. I don't know. He must have been...drunk or something. You know him, Paul's always been a little funny."
Evie narrowed her eyes at me as I spoke, spewing lies from my lips. "Where have you been, Stephen?"
"I told you, Allison was --"
"Not tonight, Stephen," shouted Evie. "For the past few months you've been coming home late almost every night. Please, just tell me what you've been up to."
I mouthed wordlessly, groping for something to hold on to. There was nothing. I was trapped. I had expected this day to come, but I hadn't expected it to come this soon.
"Various things!" I cried. "Sometimes it was work, sometimes I was going out for drinks with Jon, sometimes--"
"Out for drinks with Jon?" she shouted. She stood up from the couch and began to walk around the living room, hands on her hips. "What does 'out for drinks' mean, Stephen?"
I stared at her with my jaw on the floor. "It means we went to a bar and had a couple drinks and some laughs together. That's all it means, honey. Why should it mean anything else?"
"I don't know!" she said, curling her fingers into her hair like she wanted to rip it out. "All I know is that you seemed pretty damn chummy at the Emmys a few weeks ago."
"Chummy...? Honey...we're best friends," I said, standing up so we were on the same level.
Evie looked straight at me with tears forming in her eyes. "Stephen...are you fooling around with Jon?"
I know I gasped when she said it. It was an out of body experience, I was watching this entire encounter from up above.
"What? No!" I cried. "Sweetie, you're...you're jumping to conclusions."
"Just tell me," she said, staring at me with a stony face.
I sighed. I'd have to out-right lie, lie straight to her face. I steeled myself and said the words, "Evie, nothing is going on. I promise you. I'm...I'm not even gay! Why would you think that?"
"I don't know!" she said, turning and pacing around the room. "I just...something feels strange."
"Honey," I said. "Nothing's...nothing's going on."
Evie turned back to face me. Tears were streaming down her cheeks now. I bit my lip. "So...nothing was going on between you and Paul either?"
My eyes widened at her new accusation. "Wha--? I...no! What? Why would you even think that?"
"I don't know, Stephen, I just don't know," she said, rubbing her forehead in frustration. "All I know is that you're coming home late and now Paul is calling me out of the blue. Stephen...my world was turned upside down this afternoon. What do you expect?"
I gave a heavy sigh. My heart ached for her and I couldn't stand the expression on her face. "Evie, sweetie. Please don't cry."
I opened my arms and she came into them willingly. I hugged her as tightly and closely as I could, stroking her hair gently. As I heard her begin to sob against my chest, tears leaked from my own eyes. I felt like shit.
"Please believe me, sweetie," I whispered. "I don't understand - have I given you reason to believe that something is going on?"
She shook her head and bit her lip, obviously trying to hold back tears now. "Stephen...that's what makes me insane. We still...make love, you still love the kids - I don't understand where this feeling is coming from. I just feel like something is out of place, Stephen. And now there's this weird call from Paul...oh, I don't know."
Evie burst into tears and I wrapped her in a big hug. "Oh, honey. Honey, please don't cry. I'm not - there's nothing going on."
"Stephen? Really?" she looked up at me with tearful eyes. I gazed back at her and had to force myself to repeat the lie.
"Really."
"Well then, what did Paul mean? Why would he leave that message?"
"Evie...he was probably drunk or something," I said. She looked up at me and suddenly looked so small. I brought her head to my chest and stroked her hair.
"I love you, Stephen," she murmured into my chest. "Even when I thought you were fooling around, I loved you. I can't stop loving you, Stephen."
"Oh, Evie," I whispered, pressing a kiss to her head. "I love you too."
We sat there holding each other, Evie sobbing softly against my chest. I hugged her tightly and tried to forget what I'd been doing less than an hour ago. Something occurred to me. "Honey, where are the kids?"
Evie chuckled softly. "At friends' houses. We should probably get them home, it's a school night."
"Why'd you send them all to friends' houses?"
Evie hesitated, "I didn't want them to be here with us talking about this. I was just worried that...if something was going on..."
"I understand, honey," I said. I didn't blame her for expecting something to be going on. She had every reason to suspect but I couldn't tell her she was right. I cupped her face in my hands and kissed her gently. When I pulled away, her eyes were overflowing. "Sweetie, please, don't cry."
"I just couldn't stand the thought of losing you, Stephen," she choked. "I just...I love you so much."
"Oh, sweetie," I murmured, hugging her close again.
We sat there for a few more minutes and then called around to get Maddie, Peter, and John back home. Luckily they didn't suspect a thing, not even Maddie. They were just excited to have been at friends' houses on a school night. Evie and I sent them to bed and then we went to bed ourselves.
So, I'd survived. We'd come to that hurdle that I'd been sprinting toward for the past few months and I cleared it. I should feel relieved, I should feel glad that she hadn't figured it out.
So why did I feel like shit?
She had done it. She'd confronted him and he'd denied it to the end. She knew he would. She felt silly and stupid for ever doubting his fidelity.
He had explanations, he had excuses, and they all checked out. It all made perfect sense. But still, she kept checking her cell phone to see if Paul had called her back. Even if he had just been drunk when he called her, Evie wanted to know what he'd wanted to tell her.
She believed him. He was her husband and she knew he was a good man. But there was a small voice in the back of her head that kept reminding her about all she'd seen between Stephen and Jon.
And when Stephen told her that Saturday afternoon that he was going to lunch with Jon, she still felt an unpleasant prickle up her spine. A woman's intuition.
Perhaps this wasn't over yet.
"Hello?"
"You'd better not call my wife again."
"What the fuck is going on?" said Paul, sounding very confused. "Why the hell are you even calling me, I thought you weren't talking to me?"
"Shut up," I said, pressing down harder on the gas pedal. "You know very well what I'm talking about. You called Evie and left her some dumbass message."
"Ohhh, right," he said. "That message. What about it?"
"Do not fucking call her back, Paul. If you do, I swear to God -- "
"Whaddya mean call her back?"
"She left you a voicemail saying she wants to talk to you. Just ignore it. We worked things out and you don't need to call her. You'd better not call her."
"Or what? You'll sic little Jonny Stew on me?"
"You shut up about him," I growled, stomping on the brake as I noticed the light up ahead was red. "Just leave me alone and leave my wife alone."
"Okay, I will," he said. I knew it was too good to be true. "On one condition."
"What?"
"You meet me for lunch one day and we talk this through."
"Paul, there's nothing to talk through."
"Yes, there is," he said. "I don't wanna end this friendship because of some stupid mistakes. If we just...talk about it, maybe we can salvage our relationship."
I sighed. I'd said I wanted Paul out of my life completely but was that really what I wanted? It seems I had no choice, here he was blackmailing me again. So long as there was no sex involved, I supposed it could be done.
"Very well," I said, letting out an exasperated sigh. "Sometime this week, okay?"
"Sounds good. See you then."
"See you, bye." I hung up from my call with Paul and dialed Jon directly after.
"Hello?" I smiled to myself. Hadn't heard his voice since he was moaning my name the other night.
"Hey, Jon," I said. "Um...I think we need to meet for lunch today."
"It's Saturday, Stephen." he said. "I thought you said you had to 'abstain from me' this weekend."
"I lied," I said. "We really need to talk."
"Oh." Jon sounded suddenly worried. "Did I do something wrong?"
"No, no, it's nothing like that. We just...need to talk."
"Okay, um, I'll meet you at the cafe?"
"Sounds great."
I switched off my phone and devoted my full attention to the road. I didn't want to get into an accident before talking with Jon. I'd lay awake all Thursday night thinking things over, torturing myself with loopholes and scenarios where Evie would find out how much I had lied to her. Friday night we made love and I'd woken up with an upset stomach yet again.
I was in the clear. Evie had believed my lies and everything seemed to be all right. But I felt sick with guilt. Now, not only had I lied to her about all those times I'd been with Jon, I'd completely lied to her about anything going on. Tomorrow I'd have to sit next to her in church and face God. I couldn't do that, not again. For weeks now, I'd felt sick to my stomach before going to church. I knew it was the guilt eating away at me.
Sure, I could have taken the easy way out and just waited for Paul to return her call and spill the beans. But I didn't want her to hear it from that swine. That would just make it sting even more. I wanted to tell her myself, as though that would make up for all the deceit.
Soon I was in the city and making my way toward the cafe that was quickly becoming 'our' cafe. I saw Jon sitting inside, sipping a cup of coffee.
"Hey!" he said, looking up and grinning as I approached the table.
"Hi," I said. I pulled out the chair opposite him and sat down. "How are you?"
"Fine," he said, shrugging. "Stephen, is something wrong?"
I nodded. There was no point in denying or hiding it, Jon knew when I wasn't feeling well. "My...my stomach hasn't been feeling that great."
"Oh, Stephen." Jon made to take my hand in his but I pulled it away. Not here, not out in public. Jon winced and looked down into his coffee. "What did you want to talk about?"
"Jon," I spoke softly, glancing around me. Suddenly I felt very exposed, very paranoid. "Jon, I have to tell Evie."
"What?" he asked, with wide eyes.
I sighed. "I know, this is really hard, Jon. Please don't make it harder. I think I just have to confess to her."
Jon put his head in his hands and took a deep breath. "What...what brought this on, Stephen?"
"Evie confronted me when I got home Thursday night," I explained. "She wanted to know what had taken me so long getting home and then she asked if...if we were fooling around."
"Damn," breathed Jon. He chuckled bitterly to himself. "The universe is one helluva conspirator."
"What do you mean? Jon?"
"Tracey confronted me the other night too."
"Shit." I took off my glasses and rubbed my eyes wearily. "You...you denied it, obviously. Did she believe you?"
"Yeah," said Jon. "She thought it was another woman though. Obviously we're not too obvious about this, then, if she didn't immediately suspect us."
"True," I said. "Well I have to tell her. The guilt is really killing me now. I've been up with an upset stomach two nights in a row and we have...church tomorrow morning. I can't do that Jon, I can't."
I rested my head on my hand as a wave of nausea fell over me. Jon bumped my knee with his gently under the table. When I looked up I could see the pain in his eyes. He wanted so badly to hold my hand through this. But the cafe was packed that afternoon. We couldn't.
"Stephen," he said in a soft voice. "I don't think you should."
"What?"
"We're in the clear. And if you tell her now, right after she asked you about it...I don't know. I hate this, Stephen."
I sighed. "Jon, I hate it too. But we chose this. Every time I came to your dressing room, we chose this. We could have said no, we could have ignored the urges."
"I couldn't have," he said, staring up at me with tears in his eyes. "I love you so much, Stephen. I can't just ignore that. I can't."
"Jon," I muttered, trying not to cry. "I love you too. But...what we're doing is wrong."
"I know, and I chose it anyway."
"I have to tell her, Jon. Otherwise this will eat away at me and things will never be the same."
Jon ran a hand through his hair wearily. "Do what you feel is right, Stephen. I'll be with you all the way."
"Thank you," I said, wiping my eyes. I locked my foot around his calf underneath the table and he nodded at me. He understood I wanted to hold his hand just as badly as he wanted to hold mine.
I left the cafe not knowing if we'd be able to see each other again. I didn't know what would happen once I told Evie, I just knew that I had to tell the truth. I had to be honest with my wife. I wanted to ask Jon back to my office so we could have one last moment together, but that would just add another lie to the mound we'd created.
The future was suddenly so uncertain and frightening. I cried the whole way home.
I was standing in that field again. Only this time it was raining. The sky was a dark, angry grey and I was getting soaking wet. A cold, unforgiving wind blew through the field, ruffling the long grass and sending a chill through me. I looked around.
Standing to the right of me was Evie. She was crying, or maybe those were raindrops on her cheeks. She just stood there, shaking her head at me. I couldn't bear to see the disappointment on her face so I turned away.
To my left stood Jon. He had his hands in his pockets and his eyes to the ground. I heard him sobbing softly. I tried to call his name but couldn't speak. When he looked up at me, he mouthed the words, "I love you."
I turned away again. Standing behind me was Paul. He threw his head back and let out loud guffaws of laughter at the look of dismay on my face. He laughed and laughed right at me. I tried to charge him, to wipe that silly smirk off his face but something was holding me back.
I turned once more. Standing straight in front of me was the most enormous brown grizzly I'd ever seen. It was standing on its hind legs and its saliva ridden maw was open in a loud growl that shook the grass of the field and made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. There was nowhere for me to run. As the grizzly closed in on me, so did Jon and Paul and Evie. I was trapped, I was cornered and my legs longed to run and keep on running until I couldn't see any of them anymore.
The grizzly pounced and I shot straight up in bed, just before I was to witness my own demise. I fell back against the pillow, my chest heaving as I tried to calm myself down. The digital clock on my nightstand said it was eight o'clock. I turned my head and noticed the bed was empty besides me. Again I shot up in bed and looked around the room.
Where was Evie? Had she left me? No, that was crazy talk. But why wasn't she in bed this early on a Sunday morning?
I threw the covers off my legs and left the bedroom. No one was in the living room. The house was eerily quiet. Was this another nightmare? Had they all packed up and left me? I hurried down the stairs and into the kitchen. I was so glad to see Maddie sitting there at the table that I gave her a huge hug.
"Good morning, dad," she said, giving me a strange look.
"Good morning, honey," I said. "Where's mom?"
"I don't know," she said. I noticed that her fingernails were pretty bitten up.
"What do you mean you don't know?" I said, sitting down next to her and trying to remain calm.
Maddie took a deep breath. "She left to get us donuts about an hour ago. I don't know why she isn't home yet."
Just as Maddie began to cry and I wrapped her in a hug, the phone rang. "Let me get that, honey, maybe it's mom."
Maddie reluctantly let go of me and I leapt up to reach the phone. "Hello?"
"Stephen, it's me."
"Evie! Where are you?"
"I was in a car accident."
"What?" My mind reeled at her words. Was she hurt? Was she in the hospital? At least she was calling, that meant she was all right. "Are you okay? What happened?"
"Don't panic," she said. She was trying to sound calm but I could tell her voice was shaky. "It was nothing big. I'm fine but the car is totaled."
I breathed a sigh of relief and leaned up against the counter. "Thank God you're all right. Sweetie, I don't care about the car. What happened?"
"I was going through an intersection and some idiot blew the red light. He ran right into me."
At these words, Evie began to cry. I wished I was there so I could give her a hug. "Honey, sweetie, please don't cry. You're okay, that's all that matters."
"It was so scary," she sobbed.
"I know, I know, sweetie. You're sure you aren't hurt?"
"An ambulance is coming and they have to check me out but I don't think I'm hurt."
"Thank God," I breathed.
"Stephen, go ahead and take the kids to church without me. I won't be home for a while if they have to check me out."
"No! No, sweetie. We'll wait for you. Can we come over there?"
"Um, I guess so. I'm at the corner of 5th and Parker."
"Okay, okay," I said. "Maddie can stay with Peter and John, I'll come over there."
"Thank you, Stephen."
"Honey, please. Don't thank me," I said. As I said the words, I couldn't help but be reminded of what Jon had said about not having to be thanked when you loved the person. "I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Okay, see you then."
"Just stay put and do what they tell you to."
"I will," said Evie. "I love you."
"I love you too, Evie."
As soon as I hung up, I was confronted by a fiercely curious Maddie. "What happened? What's going on?"
"Mom was in a car accident," I said. Maddie clapped her hand over her mouth in surprise. "But she's fine and nothing's wrong. Can you stay with your brothers while I go and pick her up?"
Maddie nodded. "Of course."
"That's my girl," I said, kissing her hair.
I hurried back upstairs to get shaved and showered and dressed. I'd never gotten ready so quickly. As I stood under the stream of the shower, furiously scrubbing my hair, horrible thoughts ran through my head. What if something had happened to her? One small donut run and the kids wouldn't have a mother. What if something had happened to her and I'd never told her the truth?
Now I knew for sure that I had to come clean. I couldn't live with myself if something happened and she never knew.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:11 am (UTC)And FUCKING PAUL!!! *tears hair out angrily*
That is all I can say right now. I'll comment again once I've calmed down. ;) Haha, it seems all your chapters completely floor me the first time I read them and I can only truly comment later once I've digested it all.
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Date: 2008-10-21 11:10 pm (UTC)Gah - I know. He's such an ass.
Haha, take your time! I can't wait to hear your calm, collected thoughts. =)
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:24 am (UTC)Soooo not surprised on the Paul front-- it was unexpected, but not *surprising*. I think Stephen should insist that Amy be there, though, when they meet.
And good for Evie for figuring it out, and I'm glad Stephen's going to confess to her. I liked that you put in, that he just couldn't sit next to her for mass if he didn't. :)
XD
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Date: 2008-10-21 11:12 pm (UTC)Yea, you had to know he was coming back sometime. Lol. That's a really good idea to have Amy there - thanks for that. :)
Yeah, Stephen is too religious and too guilt-ridden. Haha.
Thanks for the comment, thanks for reading! <33
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Date: 2008-10-22 02:08 am (UTC)You write Amy so well, and I thought Stephen would prefer to have a mediator because he just can't trust Paul. :)
I wouldn't read it if it weren't GOOD!
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Date: 2008-10-22 02:13 pm (UTC)Thank you!! Yea, I didn't even think of that so, thank you very much for the suggestion.
Aww, thanks! :D
Icon LOVE. <33
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Date: 2008-10-22 05:38 pm (UTC)You're welcome! (x2, lol)
Thanks. :D
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Date: 2008-10-22 11:10 pm (UTC)Lol!
You're welcome. I adooore that icon, I've seen it from several people now.
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Date: 2008-10-21 01:44 am (UTC)My heart is beating so fast right now. I feel like I'm going to explode. Good God, this is...there are no words. You are amazing, this story is amazing, I can't wait for more. *breathes heavily*
Wow, this story is going to kill me one day. I hate Paul. I feel bad for Stephen and Jon. And Evie, my God, Evie! *keeps breathing hard*
You are the Queen of the heart-pounding suspense fic, woman! *bows* The confession is about to begin...I just hope my heart doesn't pound so fast it explodes, LOL!
To summarize:
Fuck Paul.
I want to give Stephen and Jon big hugs.
You rule.
That is all.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 11:24 pm (UTC)Yeah...it's coming. Sigh. I'm scared to write it.
Re: your summarizing-->
Indeed.
Oh, me too! <3
Why, thank you!!
Thanks for the comment! :D
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Date: 2008-10-21 02:51 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 11:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-21 03:58 am (UTC)Update soon.
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Date: 2008-10-21 11:35 pm (UTC)Lol, j/k. I'll update as soon as I possibly can!
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Date: 2008-10-21 07:50 pm (UTC)Omg you MUST MUST MUST update NOW!!!!!!1
I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!!!
*Hyperventilates*
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Date: 2008-10-21 11:41 pm (UTC)I'll try to write as quickly as I can to relieve your hyperventilating!!
I'm glad you enjoyed it though! Thanks for the comment, thanks for reading. :)
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Date: 2008-10-22 03:09 am (UTC)Paul's being such a jerk. How could he POSSIBLY think this could fix his friendship with Stephen?!
I literally gasped --loudly enough to scare the cat -- when Stephen explicitly lied straight to his wife's face. I know he sort of had to, since he hadn't talked to Jon and certainly wasn't prepared for the discussion that would necessarily follow. But I'm guessing this is going to make things exponentially worse in Evie's eyes. I'm so torn right now between thinking "Bad Stephen" and "Poor Stephen," haha.
I love that Jon supports Stephen even though it could result in the destruction of both Jon's relationship with his own wife and his relationship with Stephen. It fits, and it's just so perfectly heartbreaking.
The car accident totally shocked me, but Stephen's reaction made so much sense that I see why it had to happen.
The suspense is both wonderful and killer. Thanks (I think)! :)
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Date: 2008-10-22 02:19 pm (UTC)Ohhhh, yeah. Gonna make it waaaay worse, trust me. Haha! That's the point! You should be torn between those two!
Thank you. I'm glad you thought that fit - I was worried and torn on how to make Jon react to Stephen's decision to confess so I'm glad you think that fit well!
Good. :) Glad it made sense to you!!
Haha! You're welcome (I think)! Thanks for reading and commenting! <3
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Date: 2008-10-23 11:18 pm (UTC)Glad you liked it and I'm glad it's left you waiting for more!! Thanks for the comment!
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Date: 2008-10-23 11:20 pm (UTC)LOL!! Camera four!! XP
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Date: 2008-10-28 11:58 pm (UTC)sex.y.
--
PAUL, YOU GODDAMN SON OF A BITCH. I WILL CUT YOU.
I WILL FUCKING CUT YOU.
that bastard. ;_;
--
='(
--
='(
--
-sob-
you must have had a major angst attack when you were writing this.
--
Yay for safety!
--
My God. My chest was all tight and shit... -teartear-
This chapter is going to make me cry.
--
Oh dear.
--
Damn that Paul.
--
Dammit. I was right. Stupid tissues don't soak up enough water...
update soon or i will die of the suspense.
Now I must go find some higher quality tissues.
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Date: 2008-10-29 01:58 am (UTC)I'm, uh, kinda scared of you now. :P
Oh - I did have an angst attack, believe me. Just wait til you read the next one - damn.
Sorry!! But thanks for reading and commenting! <3
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Date: 2008-10-30 11:20 pm (UTC)You's on them angst drugs the kids have been talking about. I hear they taste like the salt of bitter tears.
You're welcome! <3
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Date: 2008-10-31 12:45 am (UTC)ROFL. Yup, that's what I be on. XP
<333
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Date: 2009-10-07 07:15 pm (UTC)HOW ABOUT THE IRON MAIDEN?
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Date: 2009-10-07 08:29 pm (UTC)I kinda feel bad for the Paul hatred I've cultivated with this story. XD